A purpose that you forgot. Just like you forgot her.
[Prefect dips into the first aid kit and retrieves a bandage, before reaching forward to press it over one of the disinfected cuts.]
It's all right for you to feel conflicted about this, Comrade. It's all right for you to feel guilty about it as well. If you want to talk about it, then you don't need to defend what you did to her. I'm not going to punish you for being honest.
[Which is half a lie and half not, since he remembers how now, but forgot her so often at the time. At the very least, Barron has the good grace to look uncomfortable about it.]
What if I told you that I'd do it all over again? What would you think about that?
[Barron doesn't know if he would, but he wants to see how Prefect reacts.]
You forgot to feed her, Barron. Forgot that you had a cat.
[Prefect frowns, drawing his brows in at Barron's question.]
I think if you told me that... I might not entirely believe you? [He pauses, then quickly adds:]
But if it was the truth, I think I wouldn't understand why. In the end, doing what you did... even if you don't regret the people you hurt, Comrade? It really damaged your relationship with your brothers, it made Zacharov's daughter your enemy, it revealed Cassel as a transformation worker in the worst possible way... I don't know why you wouldn't want things to go differently.
[Which he forgot to look at. After spending his own time in a small, dank box, Barron has more appreciation for just how awful that must have been for Lila. Some of it probably shows on his face. Feeling bad, what is this?]
Things were pretty bad, but they could have been worse. I could have died. Cassel could have died.
You still forgot her. Even with your notes and your journals, Comrade. Even setting aside what's just happened, doesn't that worry you?
[Prefect carefully presses a second bandage over one of the larger injuries on Barron's torso.]
It's not enough to just survive, Comrade. You should be able to look back on the choices you've made and be happy with them. Be happy with the things that have happened to you. [He gives Barron an earnest look.] It's okay, Comrade, if you're not happy with them. It's okay to change your opinions about these things, Comrade.
You don't need to talk yourself out of having regrets.
[If only because it was the type of thing that Cassel was never going to let go and Barron was probably never going to get a chance to take it out of his head.]
[Barron sighs, picking at one of his cuts.] What's the point of having regrets? They don't get you anywhere.
Maybe she wouldn't forgive you then, Comrade, but don't you think it might give her some kind of comfort to know that you understand that what you did was wrong? That you feel bad about it even if the two of you will never make amends?
You can't give her back the years that you took from her, Comrade. She is who she is now, and she had to suffer and struggle to become that person. If you make her forget, then you're taking that person away from her as well.
[Prefect goes to take Barron's hand, and just... guide it away from the new cut he's picking at.]
It's like these cuts, Comrade. If you leave them alone, then they'll hurt, and they'll annoy you for a while, but with time? They'll heal. If you keep picking at them though, then every time they start getting better, you'll just make them worse and worse.
[Hand holding? Well, as far as Barron's concerned, that's a fairly big come on. And considering that he has plenty of mixed feelings about Prefect and is a bit mixed up from that whole few days in a box experience, he decides that it's high time to lean forward and attempt to kiss Prefect instead of talking.]
[Later, Prefect would agonize over whether Barron had just moved too quickly and kissed him before he'd had a chance to move away, or if Prefect had consciously taken a moment longer than necessary in retreating. Either way, the sudden closeness in proximity? The heat of Barron's skin crowding his own? It sends Prefect's pulse off on a quick beat skipping tangent, and when he does pull away a moment later, his cheeks are flushed red.]
I-- I'm sorry...
[He's not entirely sure if he's apologising for letting Barron kiss him, or for pulling away.]
Sorry, was that gross? [Barron initially assumes that this is a germaphobe thing, before he notices how red Prefect is getting. And then everything is awkward, mainly because Prefect held his hands first, so Barron doesn't add anything at all.]
It wasn't gross. I really like you, Comrade. [He does kind of, gently disconnect from the handholding now. He needs his hands to scratch the back of his neck with.] I'm your warden though.
[It's a good thing Prefect let go of Barron's hands, because Barron's moving right on to having his arms crossed. No more hand holding for you, Prefect.]
Oh, so that's what you're going with? "It's not you, it's me?"
[Barron is actually starting to feel upset. You were his bro, Prefect.]
[Prefect's voice is serious and even. Remaining calm even as Barron's getting upset.]
I want you to have a second chance, and a better life, and I want you to graduate and get your memories back and be happy! [Okay, maybe not really staying calm anymore. He's said these things so many times, but damn it, they're still true, and his tone wavers between being emotional and forceful towards the end.] And, Comrade, I do also really want to kiss you back as well, but I want all of those other things more. I'm can't just screw them up for you because I like you in a not entirely professional capacity.
[Unfortunately, the important thing that Barron's taking from that is the fact that Prefect likes him. Time to grab Prefect's hand for some more intense hand holding.]
Who says that we can't do that and date? I won't tell the other wardens if you don't.
It's not about the other wardens, Comrade, it's about safeguarding you! What if we had a fight, and I threw you in level zero for not giving me my way? Or what if we broke up, and you couldn't trust me as a warden anymore?
[He's... going to very, very gently try to extricate his hand.]
And Comrade, I'd still be trying to persuade you to change. I'd always be telling you not to do things, and to try doing new things... I just... I think eventually you would resent me a lot.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-16 11:04 am (UTC)How do you feel about what happened to her now?
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-16 11:08 am (UTC)Not good, obviously.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-16 11:15 am (UTC)We've talked a lot about how your power is harmful to you, Brother. I guess we've spent less time on how it's harmful to others.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-16 11:32 am (UTC)She was harmed for a purpose. It wasn't meaningless.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-16 11:38 am (UTC)[Prefect dips into the first aid kit and retrieves a bandage, before reaching forward to press it over one of the disinfected cuts.]
It's all right for you to feel conflicted about this, Comrade. It's all right for you to feel guilty about it as well. If you want to talk about it, then you don't need to defend what you did to her. I'm not going to punish you for being honest.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-18 09:55 am (UTC)[Which is half a lie and half not, since he remembers how now, but forgot her so often at the time. At the very least, Barron has the good grace to look uncomfortable about it.]
What if I told you that I'd do it all over again? What would you think about that?
[Barron doesn't know if he would, but he wants to see how Prefect reacts.]
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-18 10:18 am (UTC)[Prefect frowns, drawing his brows in at Barron's question.]
I think if you told me that... I might not entirely believe you? [He pauses, then quickly adds:]
But if it was the truth, I think I wouldn't understand why. In the end, doing what you did... even if you don't regret the people you hurt, Comrade? It really damaged your relationship with your brothers, it made Zacharov's daughter your enemy, it revealed Cassel as a transformation worker in the worst possible way... I don't know why you wouldn't want things to go differently.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-18 10:31 am (UTC)[Which he forgot to look at. After spending his own time in a small, dank box, Barron has more appreciation for just how awful that must have been for Lila. Some of it probably shows on his face. Feeling bad, what is this?]
Things were pretty bad, but they could have been worse. I could have died. Cassel could have died.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-19 12:10 am (UTC)[Prefect carefully presses a second bandage over one of the larger injuries on Barron's torso.]
It's not enough to just survive, Comrade. You should be able to look back on the choices you've made and be happy with them. Be happy with the things that have happened to you. [He gives Barron an earnest look.] It's okay, Comrade, if you're not happy with them. It's okay to change your opinions about these things, Comrade.
You don't need to talk yourself out of having regrets.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-21 10:32 am (UTC)[If only because it was the type of thing that Cassel was never going to let go and Barron was probably never going to get a chance to take it out of his head.]
[Barron sighs, picking at one of his cuts.] What's the point of having regrets? They don't get you anywhere.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-22 01:55 am (UTC)[He reaches out to... gently push Barron's hand away from the cut he's picking at. No Barron.]
: [Spam]
Date: 2012-10-23 04:12 am (UTC)You don't know Lila, though. She's not the kind to accept amends, unless by amends you mean my head being completely separate from my body.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-23 11:25 am (UTC)[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 02:32 am (UTC)[Barron is disturbingly honest with that sentiment.]
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 02:50 am (UTC)[Prefect goes to take Barron's hand, and just... guide it away from the new cut he's picking at.]
It's like these cuts, Comrade. If you leave them alone, then they'll hurt, and they'll annoy you for a while, but with time? They'll heal. If you keep picking at them though, then every time they start getting better, you'll just make them worse and worse.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 03:43 am (UTC)These are my cuts, man. Besides, they itch.
[And back on topic.] Would it be worth it if she was happier, though?
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 03:50 am (UTC)[And Prefect is just going to grab Barron's hands and hold them away from the cuts now.]
Just try to forget about them, Comrade. Think about something else.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 03:55 am (UTC)[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 04:05 am (UTC)I-- I'm sorry...
[He's not entirely sure if he's apologising for letting Barron kiss him, or for pulling away.]
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 04:08 am (UTC)[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 04:15 am (UTC)[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 04:18 am (UTC)Oh, so that's what you're going with? "It's not you, it's me?"
[Barron is actually starting to feel upset. You were his bro, Prefect.]
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 04:28 am (UTC)[Prefect's voice is serious and even. Remaining calm even as Barron's getting upset.]
I want you to have a second chance, and a better life, and I want you to graduate and get your memories back and be happy! [Okay, maybe not really staying calm anymore. He's said these things so many times, but damn it, they're still true, and his tone wavers between being emotional and forceful towards the end.] And, Comrade, I do also really want to kiss you back as well, but I want all of those other things more. I'm can't just screw them up for you because I like you in a not entirely professional capacity.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 04:30 am (UTC)Who says that we can't do that and date? I won't tell the other wardens if you don't.
[Spam]
Date: 2012-10-24 04:38 am (UTC)[He's... going to very, very gently try to extricate his hand.]
And Comrade, I'd still be trying to persuade you to change. I'd always be telling you not to do things, and to try doing new things... I just... I think eventually you would resent me a lot.
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